A.B. vive e lavora nel nord Italia. Ha quasi quarant’anni,…
Nella mia vita sono stata stuprata tre volte.
È un’affermazione tecnicamente falsa, questa – sono state molte, molte di più; e con stupro intendo l’atto di congiunzione carnale del dizionario, fatto a volte con il sesso, a volte con le dita. A volte l’ho dovuto fare io, con la mano. Mi sarà capitato decine di volte, credo; ma quando ti succede da bambina, una parte del tuo cervello è un vecchio mangianastri come quello che avevano i miei, un vecchio Panasonic sul quale dovevi schiacciare Rec e Play insieme, che registra tutto e che deciderà poi lui quando e come riavviarsi, nel mezzo del silenzio, per riproporre quello che ti è successo (…); una parte è come se si addormentasse e dicesse: Fai ciò che vuoi.
A volte ne interviene una terza, di parte, che è curiosa e non capisce cosa sta accadendo. Succede quando sei più bambina, e vedi innocenza ovunque ti giri perché sei innocente. Quando arriva questa, i fili morali s’aggrovigliano e ti ritrovi a essere vittima della tua vittima, assassino del tuo assassino. Per fortuna, io questa forma di curiosità non l’ho mai avuta.
La prima volta la ricordo con esattezza. Fu il giorno della comunione di mia sorella, e il fatto che mia madre tenga ancora le foto in salotto, in mezzo alle foto di famiglia, serve a dirmi: Tu sei ancora lì. Nella foto, il nonno ha la mano sinistra pigiata sulla mia spalla. Non so se sia già successo, lì, se la mano del nonno è un modo per dirmi: Da ora starai qui, e se non è ancora successo non so se ci stesse effettivamente pensando, se fosse in qualche modo turbato, o se non lo fosse. Non so nemmeno se per quell’uomo possa esistere l’aggettivo turbato. Magari, se lo è stato una volta, è stato quella volta; quando mi ha presa in braccio mentre mia sorella stava facendo le foto, e io ho sentito che mi sistemava.
Quel giorno, quando mi ha sistemato, ho avvertito con certezza un punto di stridore. Ho pensato: Questa cosa non va.
Non ho pensato: E non andrà nel corso degli anni. In quel momento, gli anni in avanti non esistevano, e insieme erano un mondo di possibilità e certezze. Sapevo che sarei stata una ballerina o una fotografa (non so ballare ma ballo; fotografo di notte, quando nessuno lo sa). Sapevo che avrei studiato (ho studiato). Sapevo che sarei stata felice. Sono una foglia secca che a volte gode di essere un bell’ornamento a casa d’altri.
La nonna non è mai intervenuta. Fino a un certo punto ha saputo, forse; poi non c’è stato più nessun forse. Quando è morta le ho buttato della terra nel sepolcro, e ho sperato la sotterrasse meglio.
Quando è morto lui, gli ho chiuso la bocca io. È stato l’unico gesto che gli ho fatto volontariamente.
La prima volta che sono andata in terapia, ho chiesto alla terapeuta: Mi può salvare?
Non era una domanda sdolcinata. È che quando arrivi a vivere certe esperienze, vai al sodo. Forse per questo… Ma lo dico dopo.
Lei ha aspettato qualche secondo, guardandomi. Gli occhi le sono diventati liquidi, e lì ho capito. Poi mi ha detto: Non lavoreremo sulla salvezza, perché chi si deve salvare sono loro.
Ho atteso. Poi mi ha detto: Sì, ci proveremo insieme.
Lì ho capito che poteva essermi di aiuto.
La seconda persona che lo ha fatto è stato il mio primo ginecologo, qualche anno fa. Ho quasi quarant’anni. Ho sentito, dal suo tocco, cosa stava facendo.
Cosa sta facendo? gli ho detto.
La sto visitando.
Prima mi aveva dato del tu; poi è passato al lei.
Gli ho detto che conosco la differenza. Mi ha detto che sono pazza. Ho chiamato due amici della palestra, sono andati a trovarlo in studio. Pare che non sia stata la sola con cui le visite andavano oltre.
Il terzo è stato il mio secondo ragazzo.
Ho quasi quarant’anni.
Perché scrivo queste parole? Perché ho quasi quarant’anni, la mia prima visita ginecologica l’ho fatta a trentasette anni, la seconda la devo ancora fare; ho avuto in totale due ragazzi; e per scrivere queste cose devo usare uno pseudonimo.
Perché per me quarant’anni sono tre volte tredici anni, e questa cosa sto cercando di spiegarla al ragazzo con cui esco. Gli ho chiesto di rispettare il fatto di non toccarci mai, nemmeno per sbaglio, per i primi tempi. Poi gli ho concesso di tenermi per mano mentre guardavamo un mosaico di Chuck Close che mi spaventava e mi attirava. La settimana scorsa, gli ho lavato i capelli e lui ha lavato i miei.
Forse dormiremo insieme, un giorno. Se mi incontrate e dico poche parole, è che sto calcolando quanto male mi potreste fare.
Oggi piove. Quando piove, le vie di Milano si assomigliano tutte.
Cosa ne pensi?
A.B. vive e lavora nel nord Italia. Ha quasi quarant’anni, ed è tutto ciò che può dire di sé.
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