Per anni ho avuto paura del buio, tanto che non riuscivo a dormire se non con una luce o con la tv accesa. Eppure adesso lo amo, lo adoro. Quando dormo, voglio che sia buio pesto: come un fluido uterino che mi avvolge, mi protegge e mi rigenera.
Ma cos’è cambiato? Prima, appena non vedevo ogni angolo della stanza dove dormivo, cominciavo a immaginare lì, in quei luoghi oscuri, di tutto, davo vita a un mondo tremendo, spaventoso, fatto di spettri e di sofferenza. Perché immaginavo così tanto, appena non vedevo più? Per riempire un vuoto? O, forse, erano le mie paure che finalmente potevano prendere forma liberamente?
Le ipotesi possono essere entrambe, o infinite altre e nessuna risposta cambierebbe il fatto che la mia immaginazione correva sbizzarrita. Quindi, è questo che è cambiato, la mia immaginazione non si scatena più? No. Semplicemente, ho cominciato, lentamente e progressivamente, ad accettare le mie paure, ad ascoltarle, ad abbracciarle e a sentire cosa avessero da dirmi. E non erano parole d’orrore, di morte, di condanna. Non lo erano e non lo sono. Ero soltanto io che non volevo accettare i miei angoli bui, quelli a me sconosciuti. In realtà, quelle immagini che prendevano forma non erano le mie paure ma ad esse si adattavano, esse le modellavano.
Per dire cos’è cambiato, dovrei raccontare ogni istante della mia vita fin qui vissuta, per scoprire, infine, che, in realtà, non è cambiato proprio nulla. La mia natura è sempre questa. Si sta solo sviluppando e a suo modo. Un po’ come quella quercia nell’Orto Botanico di Messina, la mia città, che a un certo punto della sua vita è stata dilaniata e ora una metà cresce verso l’alto e l’altra in orizzontale, due metà incantevoli.
Ora amo il buio. Amo dormirvi, amo camminarvi. La mia immaginazione non ha più bisogno di scatenarsi, perché la lascio libera di posarsi dove e come vuole.
Ora non ho più paura del buio ma ne ho del futuro. Anche questo mi è oscuro, anche questo tende a spaventarmi usando le mie debolezze e, continuamente, mi tenta, mi spinge a chiedermi che forme assumerà. Anche questo mi parla. Ma di cosa? Non lo sento e non lo sento perché le sue parole sono di domani? O non lo sento perché mi dice del presente e io anche a questo sono cieco e lo sono perché voglio vedere ciò che ancora non è, invece di guardare ciò che è qui e ora?
Vi è mai capitato di arrivare (per poi accamparvi) in un bosco solo di notte, in una radura tra montagne che mai prima avevate viste alla luce?
Siete stati in quel luogo per ore ma, arrivato il giorno, vi sembra di essere quasi in un posto diverso. Quando era al buio l’avevate disegnato in migliaia di modi, l’avevate temuto, avevate date a esso forme e colori totalmente differenti. Quantomeno a me è successo. E se anche col futuro fosse così?
Per quanto possiamo fantasticarci sopra, per quanto possiamo temerlo, per quanto possiamo costringerlo, incatenarlo, forzarlo, non saremo mai in grado di conoscerlo, tantomeno di controllarlo. In realtà, volendo fare ciò, non facciamo altro che ingabbiare noi stessi, non facciamo altro che precluderci forme e strade nostre. Ci precludiamo continuamente possibilità, ci togliamo continuamente libertà. E, in realtà, facciamo tanto che riusciamo anche a cambiare tutta la vallata che ci circonda. Ci sforziamo talmente tanto da cambiare il nostro stesso domani. Lo mutiliamo.
Il nostro futuro non è davvero come quelle montagne che al buio non vediamo. Queste non mutano, su queste non abbiamo potere. Mentre sul noi stessi di domani sì, e dipende da quello di oggi. Se ci curiamo di noi qui, ora, se ci ascoltiamo adesso, se ci apriamo a ogni possibilità, se ci lasciamo liberi, il nostro domani sarà la Terra Promessa.
Cosa ne pensi?
Fabio Martinez è scrittore (ha pubblicato tre libri e Il Graal ritrovato, edito da Tipheret, è il suo ultimo romanzo), sceneggiatore e storyteller. Per narrare (anche impresa), ha inventato un nuovo format (#dialoghidimpresa): dialoghi autonomi, per lo più brevi e che non si esauriscono svolgendo la loro funzione pubblicitaria, restando capaci di durare nel tempo e nello spazio. Possono essere tra due o più persone, tra un essere umano e un animale, un robot, il vento o qualunque altro interlocutore immaginabile. Possono raccontare e parlare di tutto anche dello Zen. D’altronde, il nostro modo di pensare, di ragionare non è un dialogare con noi stessi? Tutta la nostra realtà non è forse un dialogo costante?
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