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Di tutti i miei fallimenti, Emilia è stata il primo.

Aveva le lentiggini e i denti storti e credeva di essere brutta. Per me non era brutta, anzi, era bellissima, ma non sapevo come dirglielo e allora cambiavo discorso e dicevo Nevermind è troppo commerciale, se vuoi capire i Nirvana devi ascoltare Bleach – ti porto il cd, domani ti porto il cd. Ma lei diceva sì okay e si tirava su i capelli che erano crespi per via del sole e insisteva a dire che era brutta e secca e che i ragazzi preferivano Sofia – quella lì è bella e io sono brutta.

Allora dicevo che sì, indubbiamente Sofia era bella, non potevo mica dire che era brutta, ma Emilia insisteva, Emilia non mollava, Emilia diceva: allora ti piace? Ti piace Sofia? Andresti a letto con lei? E io le dicevo no che non mi piace e no che non ci andrei a letto, ma per Emilia il mondo era tutto bianco o tutto nero, e allora diceva: se ti sembra bella vuol dire che ti piace, non ha senso dire che è bella se poi dici che non ti piace, non ha proprio senso, è ovvio che se dici che è bella con lei ci andresti a letto, devi ammetterlo. Ma io non avevo niente da ammettere, avevo detto che era bella perché mi pareva un dato di fatto, io non capivo proprio dove volesse arrivare Emilia quando stringeva gli occhi e diceva guarda che non mi offendo. Ho detto che è bella, non che mi piace, mi hai fatto una domanda e ho risposto, ma Emilia alzava gli occhi al cielo e diceva tu non capisci proprio niente.

Ed era vero, io Emilia non la capivo, non capivo dove voleva arrivare con tutti quei discorsi molto contorti e molto seri, i discorsi dei maschi non erano per niente contorti e seri, coi maschi si parlava di calcio e si guardavano i giornali con le donne nude, coi maschi non c’era niente da capire, non era come con Emilia, non c’erano domande a bassa voce, non c’erano silenzi, eppure a me stare coi maschi non piaceva, io volevo stare con Emilia anche se non la capivo, io volevo stare con Emilia e quando ero da solo in camera pensavo alle sue cosce e al costume bagnato e alla sua pelle abbronzata, io quando ero da solo pensavo a lei e mi infilavo la mano nelle mutande finché non arrivava quell’onda a liberarmi dal pensiero di lei.

Un giorno le ho detto: vieni, ti porto al mare, prendi l’asciugamano e il costume, andiamo con la vespa, e lei sembrava felice ma quando siamo arrivati ha visto i ricci sul fondale e ha detto no, io il bagno qui non lo faccio, mi fa schifo, gli scogli mi fanno schifo, i ricci mi fanno schifo, a me piace la sabbia. Va bene, le ho detto, rientriamo in casa, rientriamo e ascoltiamo un po’ di musica, e ho messo i Red Hot Chili Peppers con le mani che mi tremavano, ho messo su il cd e lei stava zitta come se si aspettasse qualcosa. Ma io Emilia volevo solo portarla al mare, io non pensavo ad altro che a portarla al mare, e ora lei era nuda davanti a me, Emilia era nuda e si aspettava che facessi quello che andava fatto.

E io ci ho provato, io giuro che ci ho provato, ci ho provato a fare quello che andava fatto – cosa ti prende, va tutto bene?

È perché sono brutta, dimmi, è per quello?

È perché ti piace Sofia?

Io ci ho provato, ma lei continuava con tutte quelle domande molto contorte e molto serie che i maschi non fanno mai, lei parlava e mi sembrava un’estranea, lei parlava e io avevo la nausea della sua pelle macchiata di lentiggini e dei suoi denti storti e della sua voce acuta – ti prego smettila di fare domande, ti prego stai zitta e vattene. E allora ho detto sì, hai ragione, quella lì è bella e tu sei brutta, rivestiti che ti accompagno, non piangere Emilia, rivestiti che ti porto a casa, ti porto a casa subito basta che non mi chiami più.

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